Could My “Best” Qualities Be Signs of High Functioning Anxiety?
Your ‘high achieving’ intelligence got you to achieve the goals you desired, but what happens when you look more deeply into what’s driving the motivation?
Intro
Many times women seeking therapy are the epitome of “perfection”. If asked to be described by friends, family or colleagues, they would often be described as extremely responsible, detail oriented, organized, proactive, and overachievers. In their personal lives they are often described as reliable, loyal, always willing to help, and they maintain busy personal calendars. Yet, below the surface many of the qualities that are celebrated by those around them and a source of personal pride mask underlying worries and fears. Women can often go years living with high functioning anxiety or depression and not know it. They may believe the anxiety contributes to their success and because these feelings are often not shared, they can be normalized and women can convince themselves that everyone feels this way.
What’s hiding behind perfection?
Most often fear is driving the perfectionistic tendencies. Fear of failure can manifest as overworking, compromising personal time, “playing it safe” or sticking to things that feel familiar and comfortable. Fear of being viewed unfavorably or pushing people away can lead to poor boundaries, putting others first, an inability to say “no” without feelings of guilt, or need for reassurance. Fear of the unknown can manifest as overplanning, structured schedules, and little down time. The pursuit of perfection often leads to procrastination as fear of outcome or underlivering causes avoidance of the task. This can lead to feelings of shame or guilt.
This paired with the tendency for women to perceive their worth is linked to what they can do for others and you often have women putting themselves last, being unable to relax, and feeling uncomfortable with down time. While many women can be successful at juggling it all without anyone noticing the struggle, in reality, there tend to be signs of distress that often go unnoticed. Women often struggle with somatic manifestations of anxiety and depression including headaches, stomachaches, digestive problems, and fatigue. They may suffer from migraines, aching muscles, and sleep disturbances.
Women will often report periods of high productivity both in their personal and professional lives followed by a period of “sickness” or physical exhaustion. It is often the somatic symptoms that eventually lead women to seek help. Women will often come in saying "I'm tired of feeling tired” and rarely does “tired” just mean physically depleted. Women are tired of being on a cycle of doing things in an effort to prevent their worries from becoming a reality, to work towards meeting societal expectations and becoming who they “should” be only to feel unfulfilled and exhausted by many of the actions and behaviors others value and admire.
This could be me: what can I do?
Find time to rediscover what you enjoy: What is something that always makes me smile? When was the last time I had fun? These are some of the questions you can pose to yourself to help you develop your list. Think about your past experiences and make a list of things you have enjoyed in the past. If this proves to be difficult make a list of things you have always wanted to try. Lean into curiosity and open-mindedness as you create the list.
Try the Activities on your list: It's time to put the list to work. Keep track of activities you tried and how they made you feel. Embrace the process and do not let the fear of not having mastery over something stop you from trying.
Engage in Self-Care: You cannot pour from an empty cup so if your cup is empty it is time to refill. Embrace rest, sit through the discomfort of doing nothing. Establish a good sleep regimen, stay hydrated, and eat regular healthy meals. Indulge in a bubble bath, or add shower steamers to your regular shower to make it more luxurious, light your favorite candle, or listen to your favorite playlist. There are many ways to care for yourself.
Practice a daily affirmation: If you have anxiety, chances are you hear your inner voice a lot, chances are high that your inner voice is not very nice. So begin your day by saying something positive to yourself. “Im perfectly Imperfect”, “I embrace the process”, “I allow myself to make mistakes”, “I am worthy” are a few examples of mantras that can ground us and remind us to stay in the present.
Notice your thinking: Overthinking, negative thinking, and rumination are common signs of anxiety and noticing your inner dialogue can raise awareness of how your thoughts are influencing your behaviors.
Stop comparing yourself to others: “Comparison is the thief of Joy''-Theodore Roosevlet.
Not only do you have high standards for yourself but do you also measure your achievements to others around you? This can leave you feeling unsatisfied. Focus on your process and tune out the urge to compare.
When is it time to seek help?
For starters, just because you can do everything on your own does not mean you have to, just because you are doing it does not mean it is not taking tremendous effort, and just because you are not overtly suffering does not make your struggle any less worthy of support. A licensed mental health professional can help you unpack the beliefs that are driving your behaviors, help you embrace uncertainty and live in the present, learn new ways to manage your anxiety, prioritize your needs, and help you embrace your whole self.
